Spider-Mansplaining: May 2018

Thursday, May 31, 2018

"Found" Spidey Haiku: Entry #9

It seemed so simple
When I was alone on the
Rooftops. Now I see.

If I love Gwen then
I've got to level with her -
Tell her who I am.

Who am I kidding?
Too late to explain. Too late
For anything! Nuts!

She means more to me
Than anything else in this
Entire crazy world.

I can no more stop
Being Spider-Man than I
Can stop breathing air.

She sees me but this
Isn't the way I wanted
It - that look, her eyes.

If I don't get there
In time then I'll have lost her
This time forever

She's gone. I've lost her.
So I've lost everything.
The girl that I love.

Tortured by sorrow
And doubt, the beautiful Gwen
Can't understand why

How can she know that
Spider-Man and her boyfriend
Are the same person?

She thinks I don't love
Her. She thinks I wanted out.
Yet she'll never know...

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The movies I forgot to mention in my epic Top 100 video: Entry #8

Ah who could forget that fateful day I rocked out my top 100 favorite movies of all time?

There were so many great ones, from the original Star Wars two Ewok movies I had misremembered as just one helter skelter deeply affecting experience, to Titanic wait no I couldn't have why would I pause okay from Terminator to The Lion Aladdin King Merbeauty and the Frozen CinderBeast dang I really went in hard with Disney obvs

But I forgot to include so many great ones. The one about the Citizen who was part Candy Cane for example. So today I will bring you the movies I didn't include for some reason or another or another.

When I was 5 I watched Land Before Time and cried and I think it was included in the 100 so..
At age 6 I watched an animated rabbit movie called Watership Down and cried and it haunts me to this day to think about all of the scenes where articulate rabbits die bloodily.
Age 7 it was Clan of the Cave Bear that really got me crying but it was
Age 8 with this movie called Savannah Smiles i also included NeverEnding Story in the list so that
Age 9 what made me cry not really My Girl when Macaulay dies but this old version of Bridge to Terabithia where the boy feels responsible when this girl slips and dies at their sweet forest fort
Age 10 maybe earlier but Charlotte's Web was one that might make you cry but not sad. These other movies I mention left me very sad I remember like crying for days after seeing some of this geez wth
Age 11 Short Circuit or was it the second one where the robot totally dies but then I think he's ok
Age 12 this movie called The Cure where two boys make friends but one is soon to die of AIDS and he's the kid from Jurassic Park which had just come out
Age 13 i didn't cry from no movies but man that Fresh Prince Episode oh that one too
When I was 14 I cried when my friend erased my completed progress on Yoshi Island 2 that was it and I broke my arm at school and nose on concrete same school different sport I was done crying
Until age 15 was it Menace 2 Society that did it or both man I was a G gee
Age 16 no it was Boyz N the Hood that did it but I was a fake G and saw them after Don't Be a Menace In South Central while oh yeah and JUICE with 2Pac was tough
Age 17 it was actually Vanilla Sky and Dudes name is David whoa I was affected real talk
Age 18 I the first movie that made me like cry cry after now becoming a man was what "Fresh" with Samuel L Jackson playing chess with a kid who runs drugs and it ends with him finally crying
Age 21 shoot it was A Walk to Remember wasn't it because Mandy Moore dies and it's sad
Age 20 the year I would see the Spanish version of Vanilla Sky Abra Los Ojos
Age 19 is this what this exercise was about fine / I guess Eternal Sunshine / another yikes vibe
Then this movie The Science of Sleep
Then Celeste and Jesse Forever but it's with Andy Samberg so yay finally a feel good nope
Fruitvale Station came out more recently and was 2 hours of a different kind of sad but so good
Last year I watched an Anton Yelchin movie after he died called Like Crazy and it got to me
And most recently I broke down after this movie about Manic Depressive Lovers with Katie Holmes called Touched With Fire and it was absolutely insane but anyways let's just add to the top 100 list these last 5 I mentioned.

What movies made YOU cry hardest for days after watching when you were a kid?

Monday, May 28, 2018

Upcoming comedy video treatment "SurvivorBros": Entry #7

Survivor Bro Number One here, and I'm the wildlife expert.

Survivor Bro Number Two here, and I specialize in all things tool.

Let us teach all our viewers how to survive an entire night in the great outdoors.

You will need the following:

One knife, not too sharp so there's no danger of cutting yourself.

One bag of red hot cheetos to supply crucial nutrients.

And that's it!

You will be able to live off of the fat of the land with our simple tips.

First, you will need to decide upon the design of shelter you prefer. How big and what style of architecture are key things to think about. I like to set up under a tree where there are plenty of spiders to keep all of the ants away. Catch additional spiders and bring them to your site or you will suffer from black ant bites, the worst!

Using your dulled knife blade, cut branches, always cutting towards your body and face so you get a close and accurate view of tour knife skills. Use these branches to form a shelter, as long as there is a roof overhead you will be safe and warm.

Speaking of staying warm, if you are surviving the outdoors for an extended time make sure to get plenty of sun exposure during the day to keep you warm through the night. You know you are getting the right amount of sun when you begin to feel some exhaustion and severe thirst.

So now you are thirsty. Simple! The ancient romans would practice the art of bloodletting; a drink of blood prevents you from getting parched. If you can find fresh running water then you are in luck. Follow any stream to its end where the water stagnates. If there are any dead animals in the water then you know the water must be good as the animal must have kept drinking the water because it was too delicious until it drank itself to death. Kind of like how my Great Uncle Emerson died LOL!

Never boil water; it will be too hot to drink and may scald your mouth or tongue.

The best way to catch a fish is by throwing large rocks into water where fish may be sleeping. Never cook fish you catch: the Japanese call raw fish "Sushi" and it is considered by many to be a delicacy.

If you find an already dead animal, do not eat it. Unless there are little bugs that you notice enjoying the meat in which case those bugs can't be all wrong so dig in.

When making a fire you must get an ample supply of fresh wet grass and limbs to burn. Wetter is better, an easy rhyme helps you remember. The only way to know if the fire has gotten hot enough is to touch it with your index finger. If you feel a burn then the fire is now hot. Never blow on a fire, that's how fires get blown out.

The brighter colored berries taste the best. Add some to boiled pee for a relaxing tea.

Make traps by digging a hole then putting your knife in it at such an angle it kills any beast that falls in. Also do not fall in .

Test your ability to remember where your campsite is by closing your eyes and wandering off as far as you feel like. Stars shining in the sky overhead will get you lost, ignore them.

Continued...