Black Jimmy Olsen

Black Jimmy Olsen sounds like a rap duo of like Mos Def and Ed Sheeran.
Black Jimmy Olsen sounds like a silver age bizzaro opposite.
But Black Jimmy Olsen is one of the best characters on CW's Supergirl.
Jimmy Olsen has classically always looked like Archie Andrews.
He's Superman's Pal, awkward and geeky and disaster prone.
But that was the white version.
At first I didn't like Mechad Brooks' casting.  This would be a big buff sexy underwear model version of Jimmy Olsen, oh and he's smooth and cooler than Barack Obama.
At first he was into Supergirl, as was the nerdy white Winn aka Toyman Jr.
So we still had a geeky semi-Jimmy if we needed.
This new big buff black Jimmy seemed like the obvious choice for Supergirl. I hated it.
Oh and he didn't like "Jimmy" - now he was "James".  The maturization of Archie Andrews? What!
A Black Betty and Veronica sounds great.  Black Jughead or Reggie Mantle might be problematic.
But a black Archie?  But then I remembered that originally Archie was supposed to be the Cool idea of a kid, in a band, has girls and friends and popularity and is supposedly hot enough for Betty and Veronica who are the two baddest chicks in Riverdale. (Interestingly the CW show Riverdale would come out on the heels of this version of Archie Jimmy).
So in today's world it makes sense that "James" Olsen is buff and black and bangin  pause..
There are a couple Black Supermans and the concept works perfectly. He feels alien. Heroic.  Black Flash's wife is hawt, Black Wally West is great, the Flash show works tremendously, yet they still went with a white Flash.  Black Green Lantern has a lot of history yet they still went with white Hal Jordan instead of John Stewart when the movie was greenlit.
In the most recent season, he is no longer into Supergirl Like That, and instead is romantically involved with the beautifully pale white Lena Luthor.  Both are successful and attractive and intelligent and confident.  Ship-worthy.  And Supergirl's eventual beau Mon-El would be played by her real life boyfriend who is a white dude and is great.
James Olsen would eventually take on the mantle of The Guardian who was a white guy way back when as one might expect, but also in the 90's was a black dude who is awesome.  So the arc worked out for all involved for the best.  And Black Jimmy Olsen became the most likeable character ever.
Would a White Black Lightning work though?  NO!  We will see how they do Lightning Lad soon..

James Gunn fired by Marvel, Iceman now confirmed gay

So James Gunn directed some great Guardians of the Galaxy movies, but Belko Ecperiement must have pushed some corporate buttons.  Better fire him and hire a director who doesn't make fun of the pedophilia industry, you know like Bryan Singer - Weinstein can produce.

My thoughts about gay Iceman, no not the Val Kilmer Tom Cruise love interest from Top Gun, Marvel's Iceman, Bobby Drake.

Writer who claims Portland B M Bendis (oh that's why he doesn't go by his first two initials), before leaving by Marvel to write some awful Superman stories for D.C., brought back the original 60's X-Men with travel travel, so he could just write these page-filling snippy dialogue clunks with two Cyclops's and whatnot, oh and a young Jean Grey.  Instead of things happening, we could have characters repeatedly use the expression "(...is something I'd never thought I'd ever say...)"

So B.M. Bendis, the man behind a definite tangential aspect of SpiderMansplaining, decides to have the young Iceman tell old Iceman how he's gay.  Adult Iceman, who other writers consistently have basically slaying the punanny, says no dude not gay like that.  Oh and young Jean Grey tells young Bobby that he's gay because she read his gay thoughts and outs him, which was big news at the time.

Marvel just recently had to fix Bendis' mess by saying okay now BOTH Iceman (Icemen?) have gotta be the gay then, and adult Bobby Drake wasn't serious when he was for years in love with Polaris Lorna Dane Zaladane Darkstar Firestar Jean Grey even oh and his Asian love Jim Lee created in the 90's oh and didn't he have a thing with Rogue too..?

Years ago, Neil Gaiman wrote a Warren Worthington, "the Angel", as someone who was in love with who he thought was "John" Grey before s/he died like Jean always does eventually.  This was in line with his character, who never really loved Psylocke or Candi, and makes sense retroactively to just go ahead and say he's gay.  But Bendis instead had Warren Worthington fucxin wit Wolverine's daughter clone "X-23", Laura from the new Logan movie.

There were 5 original X-Men.

Iceman was never the gay one.

If Cyclops said he's now gonna go gay after losing Jean/Jean's clone/Emma/etc, that might work with the history. But he'd only be into some redheaded dude.  Call me old-fashioned but I'm  not ready for gay Cyclops with  a blonde.

Hank McCoy, the Beast, had come out in the Grant Morrison run 15 years ago, only as a social experiment, while remaining in love with news reporter Trish Tilby.  So gay Beast can be done well.

Here I have included a list of the gayest X-men.  You will not find Iceman anywhere.  Bottom maybe.

10.  Wolverine (everyone knows, Wolvie)
9.  Rictor (now actually gay as per Peter David's X-Factor run!)
8.  Shatterstar (see above, although creator Rob Liefeld says he's not into it)
7.  Maybe this new bearded Colossus after Kitty spurned him (he's an "artist")
6.  Cannonball and Sunspot could only be gay with each other, while fathering kids elsewhere.
5.  North Star (had big gay wedding event)
4.  Magneto, as played by Sir Ian McKellan
3.  Professor X, as played by real life Ian McKellan BFF Patrick Stewart
2.  Cypher and Warlock become one, Douglock SelfFriend.  It don't get no gayer than that except..
1.  Gambit.  You already know.

Not Iceman dadgum it!


And now Supergirl just cast a trans actor to play one of the most classic DC Legion of Super-Heroes, Dream Girl!  Only now it's "Dreamer."

Everyone knows the trans Legionaire should have been Arm Fall-Off Boy!  100% real character!

Funny or Die stole "SpiderMansplaining" since I last posted

It happened again.

We've already had a laugh about the conceptual similarities between my "Last Fry" romance song and the "Last Fry" digitally released afterwards with SNL vets Beck Bennet and Kyle Mooney rapping my ideas through a Trump humored lens, with guest star Gal Gadot just to stick it to me further.

Now my ideas have gone stolen and uncited grievously yet again!

Funny Or Die saw the idea and took the funny out of my personal anecdote that headlines my one-man comedy show regarding the sharing of Spider-Man facts in a class of all women in a hilarious and awkward manner all my own.

The Funny Or Die skit is one minute long and is entirely unfunny.

A man with spiderbites explains to his girlfriend about spiders.

Get it?

 Ha ha spidermansplaining NO.

 Great punchline, it was mine so obvs, but terrible premise leading to it.  I am beyond angry now.  If anyone knows a lawyer you should Ack me as they say on the inkstagrand..

Entry 13: Ode to Aladdin

Entry 12: Music Video

Lightbulb jokes all original Entry #11

Why did the lightbulb go out?
To meet up with some friends.

How many spiders does it take to change a lightbulb?
One cobweb flickers in the wind causing scattered shadows...

How many mainstream scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
They already changed the lightbulb, so they'll die overly frequently (planned obsolescence)

How many inventors changed the lightbulb?
It is said that Tesla's more efficient energy ideas were discouraged as Edison flourished.

How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb.
I believe it's None.

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Louis C.K.

How many sacreligious people does it take to change a lightbulb?
JESUS CHRIST

How many meta comedy enjoyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh sure this guy here, he just thinks he knows alll the answers doesn't he..?

How many patriarchies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ah just go have the missus take care of that while we discuss bigger things.

How many apples does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two apples.  Now, How do you like them apples?

How many bananas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey watch out for that banana peel ! Oohh no no no whoops w w whoaaa..!

How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
You can't change History it's against the rules it would mess up the timestream

How many lightbulbs are changed each day?
And are they bad for landfills?
That's a serious question.

How many interrupting cows does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well that answer is MOO

How many OJ Simpson Jury members does it take to change a lightbulb?
The jury's still out on that one..

Beatles Mini-History in Rhyme performed live: Entry #10

"Found" Spidey Haiku: Entry #9

It seemed so simple
When I was alone on the
Rooftops.  Now I see.

If I love Gwen then
I've got to level with her -
Tell her who I am.

Who am I kidding?
Too late to explain.  Too late
For anything!  Nuts!

She means more to me
Than anything else in this
Entire crazy world.

I can no more stop
Being Spider-Man than I
Can stop breathing air.

She sees me but this
Isn't the way I wanted
It - that look, her eyes.

If I don't get there
In time then I'll have lost her
This time forever

She's gone.  I've lost her.
So I've lost everything.
The girl that I love.

Tortured by sorrow
And doubt, the beautiful Gwen
Can't understand why

How can she know that
Spider-Man and her boyfriend
Are the same person?

She thinks I don't love
Her.  She thinks I wanted out.
Yet she'll never know...

The movies I forgot to mention in my epic Top 100 video: Entry #8

Ah who could forget that fateful day I rocked out my top 100 favorite movies of  all time?

There were so many great ones, from the original Star Wars two Ewok movies I had misremembered as just one helter skelter deeply affecting experience, to Titanic wait no I couldn't have why would I pause okay from Terminator to The Lion Aladdin King Merbeauty and the Frozen CinderBeast dang I really went in hard with Disney obvs

But I forgot to include so many great ones.  The one about the Citizen who was part Candy Cane for example. So today I will bring you the movies I didn't include for some reason or another or another.

When I was 5 I watched Land Before Time and cried and I think it was included in the 100 so..
At age 6 I watched an animated rabbit movie called Watership Down and cried and it haunts me to this day to think about all of the scenes where articulate rabbits die bloodily.
Age 7 it was Clan of the Cave Bear that really got me crying but it was
Age 8 with this movie called Savannah Smiles i also included NeverEnding Story in the list so that
Age 9 what made me cry not really My Girl when Macaulay dies but this old version of Bridge to Terabithia where the boy feels responsible when this girl slips and dies at their sweet forest fort
Age 10 maybe earlier but Charlotte's Web was one that might make you cry but not sad. These other movies I mention left me very sad I remember like crying for days after seeing some of this geez wth
Age 11 Short Circuit or was it the second one where the robot totally dies but then I think he's ok
Age 12 this movie called The Cure where two boys make friends but one is soon to die of AIDS and he's the kid from Jurassic Park which had just come out
Age 13 i didn't cry from no movies but man that Fresh Prince Episode oh that one too
When I was 14 I cried when my friend erased my completed progress on Yoshi Island 2 that was it and I broke my arm at school and nose on concrete same school different sport I was done crying
Until age 15 was it Menace 2 Society that did it or both man I was a G gee
Age 16 no it was Boyz N the Hood that did it but I was a fake G and saw them after Don't Be a Menace In South Central while oh yeah and JUICE with 2Pac was tough
Age 17 it was actually Vanilla Sky and Dudes name is David whoa I was affected real talk
Age 18 I the first movie that made me like cry cry after now becoming a man was what "Fresh" with Samuel L Jackson playing chess with a kid who runs drugs and it ends with him finally crying
Age 21 shoot it was A Walk to Remember wasn't it because Mandy Moore dies and it's sad
Age 20 the year I would see the Spanish version of Vanilla Sky Abra Los Ojos
Age 19  is this what this exercise was about fine / I guess Eternal Sunshine /  another yikes vibe
Then this movie The Science of Sleep
Then Celeste and Jesse Forever but it's with Andy Samberg so yay finally a feel good nope
Fruitvale Station came out more recently and was 2 hours of a different kind of sad but so good
Last year I watched an Anton Yelchin movie after he died called Like Crazy and it got to me
And most recently I broke down after this movie about Manic Depressive Lovers with Katie Holmes called Touched With Fire and it was absolutely insane but anyways let's just add to the top 100 list these last 5 I mentioned.

What movies made YOU cry hardest for days after watching when you were a kid?

Upcoming comedy video treatment "SurvivorBros": Entry #7

Survivor Bro Number One here, and I'm the wildlife expert.

Survivor Bro Number Two here, and I specialize in all things tool.

Let us teach all our viewers how to survive an entire night in the great outdoors.

You will need the following:

One knife, not too sharp so there's no danger of cutting yourself.

One bag of red hot cheetos to supply crucial nutrients.

And that's it!

You will be able to live off of the fat of the land with our simple tips.

First, you will need to decide upon the design of shelter you prefer.  How big and what style of architecture are key things to think about.  I like to set up under a tree where there are plenty of spiders to keep all of the ants away.  Catch additional spiders and bring them to your site or you will suffer from black ant bites, the worst!

Using your dulled knife blade, cut branches, always cutting towards your body and face so you get a close and accurate view of tour knife skills.  Use these branches to form a shelter, as long as there is a roof overhead you will be safe and warm.

Speaking of staying warm, if you are surviving the outdoors for an extended time make sure to get plenty of sun exposure during the day to keep you warm through the night.  You know you are getting the right amount of sun when you begin to feel some exhaustion and severe thirst.

So now you are thirsty.  Simple!  The ancient romans would practice the art of bloodletting; a drink of blood prevents you from getting parched.  If you can find fresh running water then you are in luck.  Follow any stream to its end where the water stagnates.  If there are any dead animals in the water then you know the water must be good as the animal must have kept drinking the water because it was too delicious until it drank itself to death.  Kind of like how my Great Uncle Emerson died LOL!

Never boil water; it will be too hot to drink and may scald your mouth or tongue.

The best way to catch a fish is by throwing large rocks into water where fish may be sleeping. Never cook fish you catch: the Japanese call raw fish "Sushi" and it is considered by many to be a delicacy. 

If you find an already dead animal, do not eat it.  Unless there are little bugs that you notice enjoying the meat in which case those bugs can't be all wrong so dig in.

When making a fire you must get an ample supply of fresh wet grass and limbs to burn.  Wetter is better, an easy rhyme helps you remember.  The only way to know if the fire has gotten hot enough is to touch it with your index finger.  If you feel a burn then the fire is now hot.  Never blow on a fire, that's how fires get blown out.

The brighter colored berries taste the best.  Add some to boiled pee for a relaxing tea.

Make traps by digging a hole then putting your knife in it at such an angle it kills any beast that falls in.  Also do not fall in .

Test your ability to remember where your campsite is by closing your eyes and wandering off as far as you feel like.  Stars shining in the sky overhead will get you lost, ignore them.

Continued...

Trap Music Spidey: Entry #6

I be flippin comic books

SNL stole a verse, "Last Fry ft. Gal Gadot"; Entry #5

My verse:
I'll take you out, for lots of food
That last fry's yours, I'm never rude

SNL, years after:
When you hang with the guys
Rule number one: don't eat the Last Fry


What do you think?  Was I plagiarized?  Does Gal Gadot owe me an apology?

Film Festival teaser: Entry #4

Hipster Hunter in Portland!  Crikey!

Spider-Man Rap: Entry #3

Spidey-bars

My last music video: Entry #2

Welcome! Entry #1

Welcome!  Can't wait to see how this new blog goes!  Thank you for your support!